Blog

BOUNDARIES: do you have them?

12/7/2017

As the intention of the heart is to keep it open, another is to draw healthy boundaries.

There is a story about a young woman whose Buddhist meditation master was teaching her about boundaries. Every day she would meditate on drawing loving-kindness into her heart. Each day when she left the meditation for the market she was greeted by the unwelcome advances of a merchant. Finally, one day she lost it! She was so mad she took her umbrella and chased the merchant down the street. While running, she notice her Buddhist master watching her. As she approached the master she was ashamed with her behavior. In the most calmest and gentle tone, he told her, " The next time something like this happens, fill your heart with as an much loving-kindness as you can and then take your umbrella and hit that rogue right over the head!"

There is a time, a moment that we must draw a line for the protection of our own energy. I am not saying you have to hurt someone's feeling as that doesn't bless them or our hearts. It is unhealthy for us and ultimately others, to not have healthy boundaries. We have to take time to recharge and nurture ourselves to be effective in fulfilling our mission.

A Rabbi once said, “A human being that does not have a single hour of his own every day is not human being at all.

You must take time for yourself. It is okay to set limits and say no, with loving-kindness.

2017...WHAT?

1/1/2017

I am back with my 2017 MOTTO... "I AM PERFECTION PERSONIFIED!" See the graphic for more explanation. This is not in a braggadocious way. It is not just about what you do. It is who you are to your core, that probably effects what you do and how well you do it! IT SPEAKS TO YOUR CONFIDENCE. SO what is your PERFECTION PERSONIFICATION? If you can't answer this question, you don't own your PERFECT! WHY??? If you don't own it, no one is going to believe what you are "serving". Think about it and feel free to leave a comment.

Messy does as messy is! #NickCannon

11/19/2016

Let me start by saying, congrats to his current baby momma, Brittany Bell. Nick reported a few days ago that Ms. Bell is 6 months pregnant. Children are a blessing regardless to the circumstances for which they were conceived. This is not an attack on Nick, but yet a reprimand on behavior.
Here is the lesson in all of this. Nick apparently did an interview with #ENews back in August. At which time they reported that he stated that, he has no intention of getting into another relationship ever again, because he is damaged goods. I can agree with part of that. YET, HELLO … NEW FLASH, sex with another person is a relationship. It’s called a “sexual relationship”, “a sex buddy”, “a fuck buddy”, “friends with benefits”, “sitting on the fence”, “rebound chick or dude” or even "one night stand”… did I miss any? Regardless, they are all forms of a relationship!
There are three things that I want you to be clear on regarding this topic.

As long as you are clear that the act of having sex with another person is a form of a relationship, both people are CONSENTING adults and you negotiate the terms of the sex, it’s all gravy! Just be clear and define the terms of the relationship before any underwear is moved (or dare I say... mouths are opened). Communication is key people and will help keep you from getting your car keyed or all your business on blast.
Don’t use sex to fix your old hurt feelings! First off, no one is here to fix you. Sorry BooBoo, you need to do that work yourself. The most important relationship you need to have is with yourself. Without it, you bring very little to the bedroom. And second, no one wants your all apartment furniture in their new house. What I mean is, stop carrying old baggage into a new relationship. You can leave those at the “airport”. Trust, it can be disposed of properly.
Lastly dudes…if you have a woman that is pregnant with your baby, don’t go prancing around the world and the internet with another woman. Show some class and respect even if the two of you are not officially together. Trust, you are still together. There was a soul that has been joined together which requires you to MAN THE HELL UP! Nine months is not a long time to be low key.

Now that you are clear that when there is sex… there is a relationship. If you want more in a relationship than just sex, check out what I call “10 Life Lessons to Genuine Intimacy in 2017”. Go to the HOME page and get instance access.

Aging with Grace

9/14/2016

There is an Allure.com article and video circulating about, Dispelling Beauty Myths: Aging with Grace and I am so there right now. By next week, I will be the big 5-0. Yep…Fabulous Fifty. The video touched on so many issues that I embrace and that impact my life at this time.
To start, I love what was said about being sexy and the attention that comes with it. I catch the eye of older men, but I get approached by much younger dudes. I learned to embrace being a Cougar or even a MILF. It is what it is and at the end of the day, it’s about how I feel at a given moment. I love my style and my curves with the knowledge that I have both to please myself and no one else and at any given time, I have the ability to change.
Since my mid 40’s and as I got closer to 50, my confidence as a woman and mother has increased which I believe adds to the sexy. With this growth, I have adopted my life philosophy. After being married, cheated on, divorced, and now single, I look at life as what I deserve and not just what I desire. Although, I cherish them while in the midst of things, I am no longer afraid of ending a relationship of any type. This light bulb realization helps me to live an unapologetically authentic life that’s on my own terms. Since I am comfortable in my current situation, I am free to date who I want, when I want. I decide at what level of intimacy is included with my relationships. In fact, my actions are even more thought out and deliberate.
Another aspect of my Aging with Grace is my ability to connect while being detached from permanence. A month after turning 49, I had a stroke. The very next day, I decided to release the stressors of my life. Apart of that is the knowledge that nothing is meant to last forever. This includes life, money, residences, friendships and love…nothing stays on this earth forever. Yesterday, out of the blue, my 80 something Mom, says she was having a conversation with her 80 something brother about how they are on borrowed time. I explained to my Mom, that we all are in the same position. We all have finite days in our physical bodies. Money is given, won earned, saved and spent, but at your last breath, you will probably not take it with you. Homes can be here today and gone tomorrow. Some friends lose connection and perhaps come back or not. People commit to marriage till death do they part and then divorce. Is this making sense? So when it is all said and done, I have learned to be removed from the “idea” of permanence because it all can be gone in a blink. We live in the duality of constant “here today and gone tomorrow”. So I live my life in the moment, while I plan for the uncertain future, which for me is way less stressful and way more fun. It brings peace to my life and ability to define my NO to get to my YES…with grace.

the best job in the world!

5/14/2016

I have the best job. No really, I have created a rewarding career that allows me to be authentic while helping others. I’m an Intimacy Empowerment Coach which as I define it, allows me to guide adults to define their NO to get to their YES, and that’s a wonderful thing. This is where freedom and peace of mind, body and spirit all hang out cohesively together.
Although, to go back to where it all began, I go to my becoming a Health and Wellness Coach and more important than the title is the R & D… you know, the research and development. By using integrative methodology, I again get to learn about, explore, correct and develop the mind, the body and the spirit and again, it’s A WONDERFUL THING. The human genome is an interdependent system to every other living thing on the planet. This means that I am like the 6 degrees of separation to my client’s issues as they are to the person next to them and so on and so forth. Yet, it is like being charged to hold the secrets, stories and lives of people within my being like attorney client privilege. To be one’s Confidant is a high charge for which I hold protected space.

did he just say truffle butter?

9/26/2015

I just had a birthday, and as I creep closer to 50, I have some realizations. These are 10 "UM!" things that came to me during this year.

My son is 11, where as the majority of my friend have adult children or even grandchildren.
I am a Helicopter Mom. Meaning, I hover over my child and pay extremely close attention to his activities, especially concerning education. No apologies needed here as far as I am concerned!
I feel I am "in the know" in most things. I keep up with current events. I am civically active.
I volunteer for causes that are important.
I REALLY don't do gray hair on MY head.
There are people on the planet that are of great annoyance to me. I am working more and more to just ignore them. There are times that I go back to my "I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS" mantra and that seems to help.
I am in much better shape now than I was 2 years ago. Along with getting rid of 185+lbs of someone else, I dropped 40 lbs of my own and will not be picking either back up.
As much as divorce is a bitch, there is something very liberating about ending a relationship with someone that doesn't see or appreciate your greatness.
I am in need of more sleep now than even last year and I wonder why I now have to pee during the night?
As a child of the Hip Hop generation, as a Generation Xer, I don't understand most of the current "WTH" is it called rap music (lower case letters). I seriously had to go to the Urban Dictionary to define "Truffle Butter" and it ain't cute, at all. Reminded me of back in 1998 when I learned what "tossing salad" is. I guess each generation has their secret lingo, but with my 11 year old in the car and the chick on the car radio said "he was eating booty like groceries", I was tempted to pull the car over. Yet, my son is very intelligent and thought the whole situation was funny yet ridiculous. He now says it just to make my eyebrow rise. Life is good!

what's your story?

9/12/2015

"MIC CHECK MIC CHECK"... stop and take a look at where you are. What is the story you are telling yourself about where you are vs where you want to be? How's that working for you? Are you telling yourself the same old tired excuses? Are you stuck back on the old story that got you where you are and now it is time to move forward with a new story? Is your relationship with yourself and others moving you forward or feeling like a noose around your neck? Is your sex life satisfying your current desires or is it back in the dark ages? Have you created a bond with a past wound because you have become comfortable with not risking change? What about your weight...Are you holding on to a comfort of the known as to the unknown? How do any of these things serve you are keep you playing small?

We carry all of our past experiences, relationships, culture...but those situations that were not positive, don't have to keep us stuck forever. YES, it will be there. It is a permanent part of your existence. SORRY. Someone else will tell you that you can just let it all go, but we are a sum total of our past. Your past is truly what has put you were you are now. Good, bad or indifferent. This makes you who you are. Yet, if your old story is holding you back, pick up a pen and write a new chapter to your story. As Glenda the Good Witch, "You have always had it". Then, remember, you don't have to write the end of your story just yet. You have the power to define YOUR OWN future.

a conversation about depression:part 2

2/6/2014

To begin where I left off, my doctor prescribed an antidepressant. I told my mother about it as I was alarmed by the list of possible effects of the medication. Here is a copy and paste from online. Get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: skin rash or hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat.

Report any new or worsening symptoms to your doctor, such as: mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, or if you feel impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself.

Call your doctor at once if you have:

seizure (convulsions);
very stiff (rigid) muscles, high fever, sweating, confusion, fast or uneven heartbeats, tremors, feeling like you might pass out;
agitation, hallucinations, fever, fast heart rate, overactive reflexes, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, loss of coordination;
headache, slurred speech, severe weakness, muscle cramps, feeling unsteady, fainting, shallow breathing (breathing may stop);
cough, chest tightness, trouble breathing; or
easy bruising.
Common side effects may include:

drowsiness, dizziness, weakness, feeling nervous;
increased sweating;
blurred vision;
dry mouth;
changes in appetite or weight;
mild nausea, constipation; or
decreased sex drive, impotence, or difficulty having an orgasm.
This is not a complete list of side effects and others may occur.
As I read all of this, I was wondering if my depression was this bad, if it was worth it to take the pills in hopes to improve one condition to perhaps gain all of these, or was there some other answer to the situation. So after a few days to a week, I noticed I was having mood swings. Lets just face it, I WAS BITCHY. I was aggravated by just about everything and everybody. During the second week, I really had a handle on the way the pills were making me feel, so I thought. No, I was not dealing with the majority of things from the long list above, but I was not liking the results of the way the pills were making me feel. The camel back straw occurred one evening while talking to my son. I said something, and it was not a mean thing that was said, but the way in which I said it. I heard it come out of my month and in that instance, I knew I could not take back what was already in the Universe and his ears. He said to me, with a plain and calm face and tone, " You know mom, you have not been speaking to me very nicely lately". Out of the mouth of a babe. He was RIGHT! I knew it too. I apologized, making no excuses and told him that I promised to do better. That was the last pill I took for depression.
In that moment of speaking to my son, I realized that I had a choice in how I let my situation affect me. I HAD A CHOICE TO NOT SUFFER ANY LONGER. Perhaps you have heard my favorite Zen quote. It says that, "Suffering is the desire to have something a way it is not going to be". Now I knew this. I had put it into practice on several occasions and had lived present and mindful in that space. That quote has seen me through a lot of tough situations of the past. Yet, for this situation I had sit in another space that allowed me to be sad, mad, hurt, pissed off, angry and even a victim. I had gotten comfortable in that space as it had become uncomfortably familiar. So, it was simple to do nothing about it. At this point, being fully aware, I could not sit there any more.
I began to examine my situation and acknowledge that there had to have been some reason to remain in that space as long as I had. I asked myself, what was my payoff? See we as humans, don't generally do thing for nothing at all. Generally, there is some sort of payoff. I had a light bulb moment that made me aware that as much as had done to me, it was my actions or lack there of for so long that allowed these things to take place. See I either did to much which allowed the other party to not step up or step in, or I did nothing which covertly gave permission for the other party's bad behavior. I was not a victim, but a co-conspirator to the crimes of the relationship. The only difference, was that when I was done, I was done and I moved swiftly to end things.
So now I realized that suffering had been a choice, I had a payoff for doing so, I was not a victim, but sadly enough, I was partly to blame. All and all, I was at the end of the tunnel and the light was hitting me in the face. I moved past my suffering and into my bliss.
It was just that simple for me. As I had a choice to make, we all have choices to make, paths to walk and bridges to cross, roads to travel ... you get my point. You control how you live your life.
NOTE: This is not your situation. By no means I am telling you what to do in your situation. This is what worked for me and perhaps somethings you can explore. To be or not to be medicated is an individual choice.

motto for 2014

1/1/2014

To all Zenful Life Living followers, friends and family, thank you for joining me on this ride. I am so excited for what is to come. I have been busier than ever before, and I love it!

Well the time has come. 2013 brought a lot to my life and looking back with clear vision, I know it was to set me up for this and many years. So MY MOTTO for 2014 is "Authentically Bodacious!"

This is how I will be living my life! As I move firmly in the next chapter as a speaker and writer, relationship and dating coach, I will be telling it like it is and being Authentically Bodacious.

I invite you to join me. Have you already begun or can you live your best life Authentically Bodacious? Are you ready to speak your truth in all things? Will you stop playing small and stand firmly in the majesty that is God given and waiting for your taking.

The time has come to be Authentically Bodacious!!

VISION BOARDS

12/31/2013

Here is an example of a Vision Board, I found online.

I stated on Facebook that I would give more details on how to create a VISION BOARD and why you need one. So, here I go. What is a VISION BOARD? It is a collage of visual images, words, and statements that represent the wishes, goals and desires that you will do the work to complete in a given, set, period of time. The time has to be set for you to know that you can not play small, and that you make yourself accountable to do the work and complete your goals.

Your Board will help you get focus, clarity and the physical plan to achieve your goals. When you place the words, pictures and statements on a Board, you will be able to manifest your dreams into reality. There is medical research that proves that what the brain sees, has a physical reaction on the body. Think about it. If you are one that likes sweets, what happens to you physically when you see them? Do you then have a craving? Do you remember what that thing tastes like? This is the same mental response that you have with the images you allow to affect you daily life. Come on now. Stay with me. Why shouldn't we allow children to watch say, violence, porn, wars, blood and guts, etc... This is the same in reverse for the effect that your VISION BOARD will have on your life. Many call it the Law of Attraction, but I call it simple science and physiology.

Now that it is clear as to what a Board is and why you need one, let me talk about different types of Boards. I consider there to be 4 types of boards.

The Concrete Board. Create this Board when you know exactly what your wishes, goals and desires are. You will be clear on what it is you want and what you believe you will have to do to get to the goal in the next 12 months and also 2- 5 years ahead. YES, I said 5 years. Remember, in 2014, we are not playing small. Truly successful people don't just think about the next week, the next 30 days or even the next year. While they work in the here and now, they plan for what actions taken now will set them up for the projected future. This Board is about making a plan for your best life as a whole and working that plan! Examples of topics for your Board are where will you travel, who will you spend your time with, what will you drive, where will you live, what work will you do, etc... I believe the most important item on this type of Board is how will your actions help others? The positioning of the items need to be strategic and placed in an manner that flows and allow your energy to move from the Board to your LIFE. Don't just consider the end result, but also add the steps along the way to get to the big ticket item. If you want to inspire others, what is the "thing" you will do to make that happen and place it on the board.
The Subject Matter Board. Create this Board when you have a particular area of your life you want to focus on and take action to advance. Perhaps you want to get married, have a child, move your child from public school to private school, take a trip with the girls, better your health and wellness, buy a new car, etc... Here you will pick one topic and build in reverse of the goal.
The Categories Board. This Board will focus on YOU and 4 to 6 areas of your life with a specific goal for each separately or congruently. For example, Love, Work, Faith, Health, Money, Family, etc... So position yourself in the middle and make a plan for success in these areas of your like.
The Changing Board. I HAVE TO START BY SAYING THAT I DON"T LIKE THIS ONE. Yet, I know some people need it to be successful in taking baby steps. I believe making this Board allow you to be lazy, indecisive, and in a state of fluctuation. When in this state, what does this say to the energy fields you are attracting to your goals? It says, maybe I want you to show up, maybe you will work for me, but wait; I am not sure I even deserve my wishes, goals and desires, am I worth it, so don't work for me cause I don't even know that I deserve abundance in my life. So, let me say it to you. YOU DESIRE THE BEST LIFE OF YOUR DESIRES!. But if you have no ideal what that looks like now, I understand, and my arms are around you with hugs and my ears are open to guide you. I recently told a woman that instead of making a Board that she changes on a regular, make a different board and "to do" lists that see can freely add and remove tasks.

So that is it. You have the game plan to create the visual and why you need it. Use pictures, glue, markers, cut out words, glitter, WHATEVER! Make it attractive, because you have at least 12 months to look at this things. Then place this physical Board in a place that you will see it; if not all day when you are awake, at least several times a day. You have to see it to attract the energy from it to accomplish the items on it. If you get stuck, need help, leave comments here or on the Facebook page of the same page.
Remember, I am sure you have heard this one: “Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.” ― Napoleon Hill.

Why Zenful Life Lovin?

12/11/2013

One last time. As I always say, sometimes the right things show up at the right time. This word "surrender" was just that for me. I was struggling as to where to take my brand, Zenful Life Living. I have this site, I have my ministry and yes, I have my site of adult toys too. I expanded my adult site and began marketing it more. As I thought I would, I got the crazy looks and stares. Zen living, ministry and adult toys, however can that go together? Or , "I thought you are a Christian". That was funny to me.
This is my answer to all the twisted faces and questions. We were created as Spiritual beings, having a physical experience. Apart of that experience is is based in One's sexuality. Couple that with a divorce rate of nearly 50% in this country at the average age of 30; which leaves a lot of people still in their sexual prime and single. Now, piggy-back that with the continued growth of sexually transmitted infection amongst homosexual men and those that are, but don't profess their bi-sexuality, and there continues to be a predictor of acquiring and transmitting HIV and not only within the homosexual community, but the hetero as well.
So how does this relate to ZLL and the adult toy division, Zenful Life Lovin? The resurgence of married turned single, of those in and out of their sexual prime, and the continued spread of STI and STD, says don't go playing with your life! Don't assume someone else is going to take care of your sexual, physical and spiritual health. There are other ways to experience the physical pleasure you desire without going out there and putting your whole life at risk. Buy some condoms and some toys!

How to Zen?

10/12/2013

One has to reach to the absolute state of awareness: that is Zen. You cannot do it every morning for a few minutes or for half an hour and then forget all about it. It has to become like your heartbeat. You have to sit in it, you have to walk in it. Yes, you have even to sleep in it. Osho
So as you travel through the moments of your day, make each magical.

The EVILS of SUGAR

5/6/2013

0 Comments

I now have more evidence that supports what I have been thinking. SUGAR is EVIL! Sugar is not just bad for the formation of diabetes, but also heart disease, cancer and stroke. Sugar is a drug to the brain and we as consumers are addicted. And don't think you can save yourself with "diet" soda. NO! It is not going to happen.
I am fortunate that my son is a kid that doesn't care for candy, chocolate bars, cake and such. He will sometimes eat ice cream and we makes our own now to limit the sugar in it. We have been using the same 5lb sugar since October and still have about half left. Yet, I know there is added sugar that is not needed and in the prepared foods and juices we buy. So I am commented to read more and eliminate more. You commitment to do the same may just save your life of the life of a love one.
Check out this video from 60 Minutes for more on this topic.
http://http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7403942n

0 Comments

Welcome 2013

1/6/2013

For 2013, I have adapted a new mantra. It is, "I don't give a rat's ass". Like many others, I survived many trials in 2012. Looking back, I realized that I spent to much of my time being distracted by that which doesn't serve my well-being, growth, zenful life living...
Here is what I am saying...daily we are bombarded by a plethora of information that doesn't matter to our lives. There is the celeb baby bump, the who is sleeping with and divorcing whom, the fight someone had with a pap, and I REALLY DON'T CARE!. I don't wish those folks ill will, but I can't be concerned one iota.
What I do care about is my family, the health and education of children everywhere, and fairness in the legal system. If we can collectively change our paradigm in the world, we could change the future for the better.
So join me if you will. Your cares may be the same or different, but make them matter to the greater good of yourself, your circle, or the masses of beings that share the planet with us.

Time to let all the ZEN stealers know!

10/8/2011

There is a time at a moment that just the right thing comes at the right time. I mean you get the right thought or expression, where nothing else fits the occasion. I HAVE IT! And I want to share it with you. It is my latest expression. It works for just about everything or everybody that is trying to work your last nerve. I mean how somebody gonna try and take away my ZEN.

So, to those people I say…. “Keep it movin!” Really, it is really an all encompassing expression. It works for when verbal or physical action is required. There is no need to try and take away my ZEN. The world is a mess enough without me adding to it, so just let me be my happy self.

As for you, don’t let the blood suckers in your life reduce you to something that is not your true authentic self. There is something to be honored about a person that can smile despite adversity. You can’t please everyone and should not have to spend your time trying. So just tell them, “Keep it movin!” Your ZEN is not going anywhere.

Do you know the number one killer in the U.S.?

7/27/2011

Everyday you can read or hear someone saying something different about what the number one killer in the U. S.. For years heart disease is at the top of the list, followed by cancer and stroke. Lately there is more conversation about stress and the examination of it being a contributor to the other three leading causes of death.

I am no statistician, but I know that stress does effect your overall well being. If you have stress or stressors in your life, commit to improving your situation from the inside out. Identify what ails you and examine its source on not only a physical level, but on spiritual, emotional, chemical, and structural levels, as well.

A good place to start the process is through daily morning prayer or meditation. If that is not your style, you can begin a gratitude journal or just by speaking your thoughts of thanks in the morning while preparing for your day.

As a Christian-Zenist, I make it my duty to be still in the moment at some point throughout my day and be thankful for that moment. It is within that moment that all things exist. It is not the past and the future is unknown. All we have is the moment. If you have never really thought about it, take a minute and don't be surprised if you get hit like a ton of bricks.

When to say, " I love you".

4/10/2011

For the last hour, I was typing out some thoughts about telling the ones you love, simply that you love them. Something happened and it was all wiped away. It was good too!. I will get it all back and share with you soon. It is powerful so I want to do it justice.

First Post!

3/6/2011

Here it comes! The true and nothing but the truth as I know it. If you came for nice words and hand holding, sorry. My doctor recently told me, "if I don't give it to you straight, who will"? She had a point yet that alone was not what I wanted to hear, but just what I needed. So strap in, pull up your big girl panties and your big boy boxers and get ready for a journey!