a conversation about depression:part 2

To begin where I left off, my doctor prescribed an antidepressant. I told my mother about it as I was alarmed by the list of possible effects of the medication. Here is a copy and paste from online. Get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: skin rash or hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat.

Report any new or worsening symptoms to your doctor, such as: mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, or if you feel impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself.

Call your doctor at once if you have:

• seizure (convulsions);
• very stiff (rigid) muscles, high fever, sweating, confusion, fast or uneven heartbeats, tremors, feeling like you might pass out;
  
• agitation, hallucinations, fever, fast heart rate, overactive reflexes, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, loss of coordination;
  
• headache, slurred speech, severe weakness, muscle cramps, feeling unsteady, fainting, shallow breathing (breathing may stop);
  
• cough, chest tightness, trouble breathing; or
  
• easy bruising.
  
• Common side effects may include:
  

• drowsiness, dizziness, weakness, feeling nervous;
• increased sweating;
  
• blurred vision;
  
• dry mouth;
  
• changes in appetite or weight;
  
• mild nausea, constipation; or
  
• decreased sex drive, impotence, or difficulty having an orgasm.
  
• This is not a complete list of side effects and others may occur.
• As I read all of this, I was wondering if my depression was this bad, if it was worth it to take the pills in hopes to improve one condition to perhaps gain all of these, or was there some other answer to the situation. So after a few days to a week, I noticed I was having mood swings. Lets just face it, I WAS BITCHY. I was aggravated by just about everything and everybody. During the second week, I really had a handle on the way the pills were making me feel, so I thought. No, I was not dealing with the majority of things from the long list above, but I was not liking the results of the way the pills were making me feel. The camel back straw occurred one evening while talking to my son. I said something, and it was not a mean thing that was said, but the way in which I said it. I heard it come out of my month and in that instance, I knew I could not take back what was already in the Universe and his ears. He said to me, with a plain and calm face and tone, " You know mom, you have not been speaking to me very nicely lately". Out of the mouth of a babe. He was RIGHT! I knew it too. I apologized, making no excuses and told him that I promised to do better. That was the last pill I took for depression.
• In that moment of speaking to my son, I realized that I had a choice in how I let my situation affect me. I HAD A CHOICE TO NOT SUFFER ANY LONGER. Perhaps you have heard my favorite Zen quote. It says that, "Suffering is the desire to have something a way it is not going to be". Now I knew this. I had put it into practice on several occasions and had lived present and mindful in that space. That quote has seen me through a lot of tough situations of the past. Yet, for this situation I had sit in another space that allowed me to be sad, mad, hurt, pissed off, angry and even a victim. I had gotten comfortable in that space as it had become uncomfortably familiar. So, it was simple to do nothing about it. At this point, being fully aware, I could not sit there any more.
•  I began to examine my situation and acknowledge that there had to have been some reason to remain in that space as long as I had. I asked myself, what was my payoff? See we as humans, don't generally do thing for nothing at all. Generally, there is some sort of payoff. I had a light bulb moment that made me aware that as much as had done to me, it was my actions or lack there of for so long that allowed these things to take place. See I either did to much which allowed the other party to not step up or step in, or I did nothing which covertly gave permission for the other party's bad behavior. I was not a victim, but a co-conspirator to the crimes of the relationship. The only difference, was that when I was done, I was done and I moved swiftly to end things.
• So now I realized that suffering had been a choice, I had a payoff for doing so, I was not a victim, but sadly enough, I was partly to blame. All and all, I was at the end of the tunnel and the light was hitting me in the face. I moved past my suffering and into my bliss.
•  It was just that simple for me. As I had a choice to make, we all have choices to make, paths to walk and bridges to cross, roads to travel ... you get my point. You control how you live your life. 
• NOTE: This is not your situation. By no means I am telling you what to do in your situation. This is what worked for me and perhaps somethings you can explore. To be or not to be medicated is an individual choice. 
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