10 Tip on How to Create Intimacy After Baby's Arrival

​Your physical relationship may have been hot and steamy before marriage, but now “life” has set in. You have gotten married, the baby is here and you feel as though your life is in a rut. You may be at home with baby all day and the last thing you really want is a grown man crawling all over you. He has dropped hint that you don’t seem the same and that he wants more alone time with you. You want the same thing too. You want the intimacy back that you and your mate once shared, but how do you get that back? You are tired at the end of the day, feeling as if you have given all you have to give, but in essence you just need a change in mindset.
Here are 10 easy changes you and your mate can start doing today to bring the spice back into your life together.

• What you did to get each other, needs to happen to keep each other.
  • Look, fact is that people do so much to get a mate. When they do, often times one of the two expresses how much the other has changes. Yep, sometimes your mate may get downright lazy or complacent. You both need to remember, that your relationship is a choice. Even though the relationship dynamic changes with baby's arrive, the thoughtfulness and kindness shouldn’t.
• Stop making intimacy a production number.
  • Your love is about a gaze, a touch; the simple things that you do for each other. Meet him at the door when he comes home and take his coat off of him. Give him a hand or foot massage. Walk in the door ready to help with or cook dinner, or be ready to play with the baby or pick up the house and give her at least 30 minutes of time just for her. I remember the rush I got when my husband took out the trash without me mentioning it. These thoughtful acts will go a long way in making your mate feel loved and appreciated. Remember, as a man you may feel that going out to work is enough for your day, but being a mom is usually a 24/7 job. Sometimes her lack of sex drive is her feeling like she is always working. If a “quickie” is as good as it gets, don’t be greedy. Remember morning sex can be a good way to start a day. 

• Stop thinking it’s all or nothing.
  • A well placed kiss, a caress of that sweet spot, a quick back rub while dishes are being washed, a sneak into the shower with your mate…all of these may not lead to sex and that is okay. New parents put too much pressure on themselves to get the dirty deed done, but when you don’t have the time or are just too tired, keep the intimacy between you two flowing.
• Ladies, this is just for you…wear something that he thinks is sexy or nothing at all.
  • Whether it be lingerie, a maxi dress, or those skin tight yoga pants he loves your butt in; he got with you because he found you attractive. Don’t show up in sweats every evening when he walks in the door. While the baby naps in the day, do your hair. I have heard women say that their day is just so full that they can’t even find time to shower. I just don’t get that. Also, know that a covered vagina in bed, doesn’t get touched and trust that no man wants to have a head full of rollers or a bonnet in his face while he tries to spoon you.
• Men, this is just for you…the extra things you can do to take care of yourself, go a long way.
  • Take care of your hands and feet, regardless to what line of work you are in. No woman wants to have dirty nails or sandpaper hands exploring her body. And your feet, let me just say…moisturize. Consider your pj choices too. Lounge pants are simply sexier than sweat pants.
• Come up with a number that you both feel comfortable with and label 2 jars with one that says I LOVE HER BECAUSE and the other I LOVE HIM BECAUSE.
  • This is a great idea for date night or a New Year’s Eve project (because who’s leaving the baby with a sitter) that will last all year. Cut strips of paper times 2 that match the number you both decided on and complete the statement by writing it down on the strips. Fold up the papers and place them in their respective jar. Place the jars in a place where you will see them every day. When that moment comes that you feel you need a reminder why you chose the person you did, read a strip of paper and put it back in. You can both add to the jars at any time. Who knows; at some time you may need larger jars.
• Keep some flexibility in that weekend “honey do” list.
  • You are both so busy during the week. You have a long list of things to complete over the weekend. You may need to either put sex on the list for while the child is napping or know that it is okay that something gets moved from Saturday’s list until Sunday’s. Just as some things are a priority, your relationship and physical connection is a priority too.
• Role play…
  • You don’t need elaborate costumes or a set designer. Either set the scene or role with an improv. In 1991, a pizza man delivered an order that I had to pay in trade. “Opps, sorry, I don’t have any money. However will I pay for this delicious pizza?”  My live in boyfriend at the time and I still reminisce about that night.  Those are damn good memories!
• Give each other time for yourselves.
  • Look, you committed to be together. That doesn’t mean you have to do everything together. Give each other time for outings alone or with friends. “Me Time” is needed even in relationships or you will soon grow tired of each other.
• Last but not at all least… COMMUNICATE.
  • The list for this could be long. Express your needs, wants and negotiables. Set short and long term family goals together. Listen and hear each other. Validate the other person’s opinions even if you don’t agree. Sometimes you need to agree to disagree and that is alright. Most importantly, to stay together, pray together, every day!

I hope these 10 tips help. Know that it is through the failure of my marriage that I truly understand the importance of these tips. Please feel free to provide your feedback at any time.